Today is October 7th and I have yet to blog this month. Oops. :) Everyday I make a list of things that must get done, and blogging is always on my list. It never fails, though. I always, always, always put it off.
To be honest, I think I've come to a point where I'm almost scared to write my words on here. I'm at the point where I'm trying to figure out who I am and who I want to be. For as long as I can remember, I have always had big dreams. And not just one dream. I'm the girl that wants to be the mom, the lawyer, the pilot, and the sailor. I want to travel everywhere and live abroad and adopt children and change the world.
But do you know the problem with having all of these different dreams? You kind of lose yourself in the mix of always wanting to be more. How many times do I start and finish a project? (I usually get distracted somewhere in the middle, forget about what I'm working on and start a new one.) As my friend Rachel pointed out to me last weekend, I am already a Mom. The life growing inside of me does not make me a mother-to-be, it makes me a mother now. That's one dream fulfilled. I am beyond words with this blessing and anxious to meet my precious baby boy...but in back of my mind I'm thinking "well, what about the other dreams? How am I going to accomplishment _____?" (Don't misunderstand -- I'm ecstatic to enter motherhood. Literally over the moon. Period. :) )
I don't think it's a bad thing to dream a new dream and wish a new wish, but I do not think it's healthy when you start to always yearn for more. When you are always looking for that "next big thing" in your life. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am at a crossroads. I am trying to figure out which person I want in the passenger's seat of my life -- the lawyer, pilot, traveler, missionary. Can it be more than one? I know that wife and mother are already in the driver's seat. But let me be clear.
I am not really driving this car.
My God is.
He is the one ultimately directing my path. I know that He knows all of the desires of my heart and will guide me in the right direction. It's up to me to trust Him. It's up to me to stop trying to analyze everything and just let it be.
So how am I going to do this? By diving head first into these books.
The one on top is my Bible, the other my Bible handbook.
Next question: Where does one begin?
At the beginning.
So that's what I'm doing. I'm soaking up the Word and praying for clear guidance. I'm reading slowly and I'm studying. Every chapter is filled with highlighter marks and question marks. And as I am learning and growing in my faith, I am completely confident that He will show me the plan for my life.
So please bear with me. Some of my "crossroad realizations" may make it onto this blog, others will not. Some posts will be light while others heavy. Just know that I am learning and growing. And while it might not always make sense in blogland, it is a true renovation of the heart.