Friday, October 7, 2011

Figuring It Out


Today is October 7th and I have yet to blog this month. Oops. :) Everyday I make a list of things that must get done, and blogging is always on my list. It never fails, though. I always, always, always put it off. 

To be honest, I think I've come to a point where I'm almost scared to write my words on here. I'm at the point where I'm trying to figure out who I am and who I want to be. For as long as I can remember, I have always had big dreams. And not just one dream. I'm the girl that wants to be the mom, the lawyer, the pilot, and the sailor. I want to travel everywhere and live abroad and adopt children and change the world.

But do you know the problem with having all of these different dreams? You kind of lose yourself in the mix of always wanting to be more. How many times do I start and finish a project? (I usually get distracted somewhere in the middle, forget about what I'm working on and start a new one.) As my friend Rachel pointed out to me last weekend, I am already a Mom. The life growing inside of me does not make me a mother-to-be, it makes me a mother now. That's one dream fulfilled. I am beyond words with this blessing and anxious to meet my precious baby boy...but in back of my mind I'm thinking "well, what about the other dreams?  How am I going to accomplishment _____?" (Don't misunderstand -- I'm ecstatic to enter motherhood. Literally over the moon. Period. :) )

I don't think it's a bad thing to dream a new dream and wish a new wish, but I do not think it's healthy when you start to always yearn for more. When you are always looking for that "next big thing" in your life. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am at a crossroads. I am trying to figure out which person I want in the passenger's seat of my life -- the lawyer, pilot, traveler, missionary. Can it be more than one? I know that wife and mother are already in the driver's seat. But let me be clear. 

I am not really driving this car. 

My God is. 

He is the one ultimately directing my path. I know that He knows all of the desires of my heart and will guide me in the right direction. It's up to me to trust Him. It's up to me to stop trying to analyze everything and just let it be.

So how am I going to do this? By diving head first into these books.

 The one on top is my Bible, the other my Bible handbook. 

Next question: Where does one begin? 

At the beginning. 

So that's what I'm doing. I'm soaking up the Word and praying for clear guidance. I'm reading slowly and I'm studying. Every chapter is filled with highlighter marks and question marks. And as I am learning and growing in my faith, I am completely confident that He will show me the plan for my life. 

So please bear with me. Some of my "crossroad realizations" may make it onto this blog, others will not. Some posts will be light while others heavy. Just know that I am learning and growing. And while it might not always make sense in blogland, it is a true renovation of the heart.


chloë. said...

I totally understand every word of this post. There are things in my life I still desperately want to do, and yet God keeps saying "" -- all of which are SO hard to do! But if we're always looking ahead to what we want to do tomorrow, we'll never really live today. And today is all we're promised anyway.

Thanks for sharing your heart.

Lauren said...

great post. i think it's an incredible thing that you've realized this for yourself...dreaming big is certainly not crazy, and I think you've got your priorities in the right place. turning to God can have nothing but incredible results! have a great weekend sweetie!

Nicole said...

I have been at the same crossroads recently in my life and didnt know which way to go either but you are doing the right thing by turning it over to God. While he might not always do what we want he sees the bigger picture and we must trust him. I will be thinking of you:)

Brittany said...

You've put yourself in the right spot when you're at a crossroads - into God's Word! I hope you find answers. Perhaps your answer will be to rest, and soak up this stage of your life. Perhaps it will be to jump on a huge dream and accomplish it all. Whatever it is, God is good. It's OK to not have it all figured out, because he does :).

Kate Sherwood said...

It sounds like you are embarking on the best way to figure it out "line upon line." Just remember you don't have to do absolutely everything at the same time; there is wisdom to having "a time to every purpose under the heaven." (I always want to do it all right now.) Good luck!

Rachel said...

This is a beautiful post. There is a verse in Proverbs 20 that says "The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?". That verse has helped me so many times when I am tempted to put myself in the driver's seat. Which unfortunately happens a lot. I found this post to be completely relatable. Love you girl. Thanks for using your transparency to put into words what so many feel in their hearts! Have a great day!

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