Sunday, December 6, 2015

Waiting For Answers

The Christmas season has always been my favorite time of year.
The birth of Jesus, lights and decorations, the gift-giving, family and friends…I’ve loved all of it forever, and it’s only fitting that I married a man that changed my last name to Christmas.
But…this is why I am so completely blindsided by what has been happening over the past 5 days. The joy of the season with the most intense heartbreak I’ve ever experienced is incredibly conflicting. It brings back memories of June 28th & 29th of 2013, when my daughter was born one day and my Me-Maw died the next.
The baby that we’ve tried all year to conceive and the pregnancy the Lord blessed us with in November is in jeopardy. I’ve contemplated staying quiet until we have more information, but I am not the “suffer in silence” type of person. And we need prayer.
{Warning: The below is probably too much information for most people, especially men. If you don’t want to know about blood and lady things, STOP reading.}
I had my first prenatal appointment on Wednesday (12/2), and that day I also began lightly spotting. At my appointment I was examined and blood was drawn to test my hCG (pregnancy hormone) level. I scheduled a few future appointments and an ultrasound for the 15th, and what should have been a joyful meeting was one filled with worry.
I went home and cried and worried and prayed. Then, I cried some more.
On Thursday the spotting was heavier and the cramping began.
Friday morning I was back at the doctor’s office to have more blood drawn to make sure that the hCG hormone was rising, but since I’d been spotting and cramping I was seen immediately.
Due to lack of information there wasn’t many answers available. The blood drawn on Wednesday did show a low hCG level, and that was concerning. However, my cervix was closed and tinted blue (which further confirmed my pregnancy), and I was told to remain hopeful, but that at this point the pregnancy could go either way.
I left the office completely devastated and in tears.
How could this happen?? For my pregnancies with Gavin and Arabella I did not have any spotting or cramping, so this is really new territory.
I took Gavin to get a haircut after the appointment, and by the time I got home there was a lot of bleeding happening. The rest of the day there was intense cramping and more blood than I’d like to admit. My heart was broken and I was convinced that this baby wasn’t going to make it.
Yesterday there was more bleeding, but not as much cramping. I’m trying to remain hopeful, but I’m also trying to be logical. I know that my God is bigger than this and He is absolutely in control, but my broken heart would rather accept this horrible news than to set myself up for further devastation. But I do have hope…it may be small, but it’s there.
I am only 6 weeks pregnant, but I believe that life begins at the moment of conception. Yes, I have two healthy, amazing toddlers that I thank God for every day, but it does not ease the pain of thinking my third born is in danger. This little 6-week-old life is my child, and this experience is agonizing.
If you’re reading this, can you please pray with me? Pray that my appointment Monday confirms a healthy baby and an explanation other than a miscarriage for all of this bleeding. Pray that I have peace with whatever happens, and that I can heal from this if the outcome is what I fear.
I’ll write again soon, hopefully with better news.
Besides praying and reading His word, Lauren Daigle’s album “How Can It Be” has been light in the darkness. The song below has especially helped my heart.

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